Should I?: The fine line between caring and gossiping...

If you saw your neighbor's 14 year old son smoking pot or taking drugs, would you tell his parents? What about if you noticed that the girl next door came home with a boy while her parents thought she was supposed to be in school? And if you noticed that an older man was hitting on your friend's minor daughter, would you say something? Years ago, this would not even require a thought process. You would tell the parents. But today, this situation changes a bit. It's a little more complicated. Society has changed from back in the days when the community felt it was everyone's responsibility to watch out for the neighborhood kids. Today, there is a very fine line between concern and gossip.

A few years ago, I was faced with this same dilemma. I had met this family in my kid's sports team. They didn't have much resources so I helped them where I could by helping to provide the girls with transportation. In this effort to help, I became very attached to the girls and thought of them as one of my own. It came to a point that if I bought sports gear for my children, I would buy the girls the same exact thing. As time progressed I noticed that the younger of the girls was becoming very attached to the coach. So much so that the girl did not want to practice unless the coach was present. One day I decided to mention the girl's attitude to the mom. I was truly concerned that the girl could have a crush on an older, married man and I didn't want anything to happen between them.  I was genuinely concerned for the girl's well-being.  So, I suggested to the mom that she go to the practices with us. I wouldn't mind her coming along with us. She listened and thanked me and said that she'd look into it.  When I went to pick up the girls for the next practice, they were not home. So, I went on to the practice without them.  I was so surprised when I found all the parents meeting to discuss with the coach that I had spread rumors about one of the girls on the team. I was in total shock. This was certainly not what I was expecting. Little did I know, the mom had called practically everyone telling them that I had said that her daughter was in love with the coach and that I was spreading this gossip. I had only mentioned my concern to the girls' mother. I never spoke to another soul about it. So you can imagine how surprised I was to hear that I had been spreading gossip about the girl. From that moment forward, I vowed never to get involved again. I changed my kids to another team and tried to forget the entire incident.

When did society change and where the heck have I been that I hadn't noticed? I know that if someone came to me with a similar concern about one of my kids, I would certainly listen and investigate for myself. And I would be deeply grateful for someone having the courage to tell me about a true concern. Obviously, we can't go around believing everything everyone says, but as adults, we know who is legitimately concerned about our family's well-being. I know another case in which someone told a parent that his son was smoking marihuana. The parent went to the son, told the son that such-and-such a person had said that they were seen smoking pot. The boy later took reprieve upon the person who was just trying to save the boy from being another drug addict.

As society, we complain constantly about the number of young people falling into drugs, or the increase in teenage pregnancy, or the number of people living off of social welfare. We blame the government for not developing programs for prevention. We blame the cops for not picking up the drug dealers. We blame the teenagers who fall victims to peer pressure… yet we never blame ourselves. We never blame ourselves for allowing the rules of society to change for the worst. If we are to stop this downhill swirl of drugs, violence, teenage pregnancy and suicide, we need to be a more proactive society. We need to take responsibility for our community. We need to take responsibility as parents to watch our children, to trust your neighbor, to care about your neighbor's child as much as your own. I don't know if we can turn back the hands of time, but we have to take a stand if we are to leave our children a world where loving your neighbor as yourself is not just a dream; but rather a reality.

Written by Carmen D Rivera-Gomez on Sunday, July 10, 2011 2:19 PM

Lenten Series: Living Love

As Lent approached, I had many plans on how I was going to use these forty days for my spiritual growth.  I knew at what time I was going to go to the Ash Wednesday service and had decided on the retreat I would attend the first weekend in Lent.  I had already decided what needed spring-cleaning (Lenten Series: Spring Cleaning) and I knew where I wanted to worship (Lenten Series: A Place to Call Home).  I was geared up and ready to go on my inward journey during Lent.  Little did I know that my plan was not what was planned for me.  A higher being had also made plans and His took over mine.  

On Ash Wednesday, I had to take my husband to the Emergency Room.  He hadn't been feeling well and was taking medication but it just didn't seem to help any longer.  I knew he was feeling pretty rotten when he asked me to take him to the ER because he absolutely hates going there.  So, thinking this was a quick run to the ER, I sent an email to my co-workers and told them I would be off for a few hours and I'd be back later on that afternoon.  After about an hour or so, the ER doctor comes in and tells us that he will remain in the ER for a few hours because his white blood count was three times the normal high.  He wanted to hydrate my husband for about six hours and re-do the tests to see if things had improved.  I won't go into all the details, but the end result was that my husband was transferred to another facility where he was admitted for pneumonia and uncontrolled diabetes.  He was there for seven days.

Needless to say, I was unable to attend Ash Wednesday service or the retreat I had been looking forward to.  I hate having my plans changed, yet I was not upset at all this time around.  My husband was very ill and all I wanted was to remain by his side until he was home.  His hospital stay was filled with yays and yikes.  One minute he was improving and the next he had gone downhill.  It was definitely a roller coaster ride.  But one thing remained unchanged: the unconditional love we received.

During this time, we received so many text messages, phone calls, and emails from loved ones near and far.  Thanks to the social media networks, people who wouldn't otherwise have known about his hospitalization, were showing their support.  There even was a little six year old girl that we had never met, praying for my husband.  We were in awe.  We just couldn't believe the outpour of love that we were surrounded by. 

Lent is a time for us to look inward and work on those areas within us that need to change.  I was learning a lesson that I wouldn't have learned had this whole ordeal not happened.   I was learning that reaching out to someone in need was as simple as sending an email, making a phone call or a quick text stating "I'm thinking of you.  You are in my thoughts and prayers."  Many times we think that because we don't go visit the sick or work at the food bank or volunteer at the local community center, we aren't doing anything to spread the love.  That's exactly what I thought.  How wrong I was!  With so much technology we have today, spreading the love is just taking on a different means.  Go volunteer at the hospital.  Go teach someone to read.  If you can't, no fear.  Send someone an "I'm thinking of you" message.  Make a quick phone call.  Post a smile on someone's wall.  Show love by using everything you have at your disposal.  The recipient will feel the warmth even in the smallest details.  And you, the sender, will not only be living love by giving it away to someone that needs it, but you will be the reason the recipient feels the need to pay it forward as well.

Lenten Series: A Place to Call Home

I have recently found a new place of worship.  I had been in my church for over a decade, but due to changes that occurred, it no longer felt like home.   Reluctant to change, I simply stopped going.  After about a year of not going regularly to any service, I decided I had to find a new place of worship, new spiritual home.   And lucky for me, I did.  I finally found a place where I feel comfortable.  But it wasn't easy for me to take that first step and start my search.

Many people have asked me how I chose to remain in my faith when so many people are changing to other religions.  I believe in my church.  I believe it was established by God.  I believe God will always be here.  I know it has its flaws, but it has stood the test of time.  You see, for me, my relationship with my church is like my relationship with my husband.  I dated a lot of guys before I met him.  But when I met him, I knew that he was the one.  He complements me.  He completes me.  He's perfect for me.  He's not perfect himself, but he's perfect for me.  He has flaws, but what I feel when I'm with him overshadows any flaws.  My relationship with my church is the same way.  There are many options, but this is where I feel most at home.  This is where I feel complete.  This is where I can grow spiritually.  So, the house may change.  That's okay.  But the church continues to be the same.  That's why it was so important for me to stay in my religion.

Deciding whether or not we want to continue practicing our current religion is the first step to finding a home.  We need to ask ourselves if we still believe what the church professes as true.  We probably won't find a religion that we agree with 100% of the time, but we should agree on many of the doctrines taught .  So now that we've decided on the denomination that best suites us, let's go to the next step.

Once I decided that I didn't want to change my faith, I started my search.  It just so happens that I had to go outside of my town to find this one.  It's not too far away; about a 25 minute drive at most.  But everything about this church draws me to it.  The people are so friendly.  The music is magnificent.  The preaching is incredible and the service in general is spiritual, very spiritual.  When finding a place of worship, the atmosphere that's created within the four walls is very important.  I've gone to churches where the music would put me to sleep and the preaching was more like being in a history class.  I've also gone to others where I feel I'm in a disco with so much screaming and jumping that it terrifies me. 

I'm certainly not criticizing these services.  There are many people who prefer these types of worships.  The point is, there are many types of worship services within the denomination that we decide to practice.  We should find one that suites us.  That takes us one step closer to our spiritual goal.  It should be within our area so that the drive doesn't become our excuse for not attending regularly.  Location and atmosphere are key to finding the home that's best for us.

Finally, I looked at what the church offered.  Were there groups that I would like to be a part of?  What activities, outside of Sunday worship service, were available?   Was there a place for me within these four walls?  The church I chose as my place of worship has many groups to chose from.  Not that I've chosen to participate in any, but there are many that I could easily be a part of.  During the week, they offer an interval of 30+ nonstop hours where the church is open and we are encouraged to go and pray.  This is by far, my favorite time.  It is a time where I kind of catch up on my prayers.  I'm always putting prayer at the end of my day and sometimes I fall asleep and don't really get to finish.  So, separating two hours a week to attend the 30+ hours is something I cherish.

When looking for a place of worship, we should see if the activities offered benefit us as an individual and as a family.  If I had small children, I would look for one that offered bible studies or youth ministry for teenagers.  In order for a church to feel like home, you have to become a part of more than just the Sunday worship. 

If you don't have a place to call home, maybe this is the season to start your search.  I know many people say they don't need a place of worship because they have a personal relationship with their God.  I tried that for about a year and it didn't work for me.  So, if that works for you, then that's great.  But if you are like me, and need a place that can guide you on your spiritual journey, that can make you feel like you are part of a bigger family, then start your search for a place to call home.   

Setting aside time to attend an established service will draw you closer to God.  It will help you to grow spiritually.  When we grow spiritually, we become better spouses, better parents, better leaders, better individuals.  My pastor usually says at the end of service, "Now don't leave the blessings you are receiving in the parking lot."  I don't.  I feel so blessed and I want that to last all week.  I leave service happier, uplifted, eager to spread my joy.  Many blessings to you.  Happy seeking!

Lenten Series: Spring-cleaning

March marks the beginning of spring-cleaning season in my house.  So this year, as I look around to get an idea of all that needs to be done, I know where I need to begin… "the dark room"!  The dreaded dark room.  No, I'm not a photographer.  This room used to be my guest room.  It was comfy, inviting and cozy.  But somehow, anything that needed a place and didn't have one, ended up there.  So, this otherwise sparkling room is now filled with Christmas décor that didn't make it to the storage bins, regular décor that needs a new home, picture frames that need to be hung, and cobwebs that need to be removed.  I guess this is my starting point for spring-cleaning.  If I can tackle "the dark room", everything else will be easy.

March also marks the beginning of the season of Lent.  Regardless of what religion you practice, this is a pretty good season that we all need.  You see, Lent is like spring-cleaning for the soul.  Every now and then, we need to stand back, open the door and begin to clear out our cobwebs.  We each can do this in the way that we feel is best for us.  For me, Lent means finding a way to make the windows of my soul shine.  The spring-cleaning of my soul needs to transform me so that those that surround me feel comfy, invited and cozy.  I want my loved ones to want to be near me, as much as I want my guests to enjoy their stay in my guestroom. 

Deciding what to do this year, as in other years, wasn't easy.  I can offer to give up coffee or lose weight.  But, honestly, who wants to be around me for 40 days without coffee and on a diet?  Heck, I don't even want to be around myself.  No, I won't don't that.   So, I dig deeper.  I want to tackle the hardest part first, just as I tackled "the dark room" first.  Once I can do that, everything else will be so much easier.

My mom was telling me about a book she's reading about holding your tongue.  It's written by Joyce Meyers.  As we discuss what she has read, we both agree that holding our tongues is probably one of the hardest things anyone can do.  We both laughed and continued on to the next subject.  But, now that I'm thinking about Lent, maybe this is "the dark room" I need to start with.   

Anyone who knows me knows that if you ask me my opinion you will get it.  Most times, you will get it even without asking me.  As I consider this for Lent, I decide to put it into practice a little earlier to see if I can do it.  Not that this was planned on my part, but since this is in the back of my mind, the opportunity arose and I decided to try it.  I saw someone at our local big chain discount store, who began talking to me about a mutual acquaintance.  I did a lot of smiling and nodding to acknowledge that I was listening to him, but didn't say much.  I tried to change the conversation before I gave in and started agreeing with his comments about this other person, but the conversation kept going back to his opinion about this mutual acquaintance.  I graciously said good-bye and tried to leave, but he followed me and kept talking.  I finally said that I had to get going and did so. 

Let me tell you.  Not saying anything or acknowledging that I agreed was one of the most difficult things I've done.  I'm not saying that I succeeded with flying colors.  Every now and then I did throw out a comment that I later regretted.  But if I hadn't been using this opportunity as a practice run for Lent, I would have said so much more.  I agreed with absolutely everything he said and I couldn't tell him so.

It will not be easy.  Spring-cleaning never is.  But this is "the dark room" that I will clean out first.  If I can do this for forty days, I will have made a comfy, inviting place that makes everyone feel welcome.  How will you do your spring-cleaning this year?  What's "the dark room" that you will work on for forty days?  For now, while the season of Lent begins, I will continue tackling my guest room.  Who knows?  Maybe by Easter, I will not only have spring-cleaned my house, but also my soul.  Happy spring-cleaning, everyone!

Links to prior blogs

A Life Without You
The Power of Childhood Friendships

Sisterhood at Any Age
After 25 years, friends reunite and realize their bond is still very much alive.

Life Happens In Route
Sometimes we have our mind set on a goal and forget that life happens, life continues as we are trying to reach our goal.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Where is your life taking you?  Where do you see yourself, not only professionally but personally, in five years? 

Is forgiveness always possible?
Accepting that I don't always have all the answers. 

My Final Plea: Do you remember?
A moving monologue of a wife whose husband walked away.